Infatuation
by FelixFelicis-LiquidLuck
Summary: Honey, feathers, scrambled eggs on a horizontal surface, failed Glamour charms, flirting, potions that would make Snape cry and a broken window. Sirius and James get drunk at one in the afternoon and somehow, it leads to a confession (thanks, Gideon).


**For the Quidditch Pitch Challenge from the Hogwarts Houses Challenge forum... Representing Ravenclaw, of course ;) Prompt was a quote by Robert A. Heinlein: "Never underestimate the power of stupidity." Well said, Rob.**

* * *

Remus frowned at the mess on the window. It looked like someone has cracked eggs against it, then drizzled honey and covered it in feathers.

Sure enough, there were several eggshells lying on the floor, a jar of honey that had been knocked over and was pooling sticky golden liquid and, near the door, an empty pillow case that, once upon a time, contained feathers..

He turned to Peter, who was sitting on one of the beds, for an explanation.

"Sirius and James are drunk," Peter said as though that explained everything... which it did. "I think they've gone to the kitchens now."

"It's in the middle of the day!" Remus said indignantly. "How can you get drunk at one in the morning? What is wrong with those two?"

Peter shrugged. "I dunno. Have you done the transfiguration homework? I've having a bit of trouble with it."

Remus pulled out a twice-folded piece of parchment from his pocket and threw it in Peter's general direction. "I'm gonna go get them. Before they set fire to the whole castle."

"That sounds like something they would do," Peter said distractedly just as the door crashed to the floor.

Remus and Peter stared first at the splintered remains, then at the gaping hole where the door used to stand. A hand gripped the frame and they watched as James dragged himself into view, staggering all the while.

"I kissed Frank," he slurred sheepishly at their raised eyebrows.

Peter opened his mouth, furrowed his brow, then closed it again.

"Where's Sirius?" Remus asked. A drunk Sirius was bad enough. A drunk Sirius without supervision was a downright safety hazard.

James waved a hand behind him. "Uhh, coming, I think?"

"Move, manbitch," a voice said and James was pushed aside as Sirius stumbled into the room, almost falling on top of Remus, who caught him by his waist and raised an eyebrow when the drunk teen sniffed at Remus' collar, his nose buried in Remus' collarbones with were _sensitive_ , okay, and on top of the ridiculously close proximity, it really was natural to blush.

Remus glared when Peter started snickering.

"You smell like..." Sirius began, frowning thoughtfully. "Like, honey. And alcohol."

"Sorry to break it to you, Black, but that's you." He prodded at Sirius' arm until the shorter male took the hint and finally stood up straight without using Remus as a walking stick. "Why are you guys getting drunk at this time?"

"There is no destined time for alcohol," James said wisely before tripping over a trunk and falling face flat. Sirius giggled. Remus' heart _did not_ swell.

"What happened to the window, by the way?" Peter asked curiously. Remus glanced at the mess - he'd almost forgotten about it.

"Well, we were saying," Sirius began seriously. "We were saying that in the summer, the window gets hot enough to cook on. So we were trying to make scrambled eggs on it. But then we ran out of butter, so we thought that honey would be the same thing. Essentially."

"You tried to make scrambled eggs on a horizontal surface?" Peter asked, horrified.

"Where did the feathers come from then?" Remus asked as he began to reconsider his friendship with people that _tried to make scrambled eggs on a horizontal surface_.

Sirius' face lit up. "Oh! That was James' idea! He said that if we cover the mess with feathers, then you wouldn't focus on the mess because you'd be so distracted by the feathers! Cool, eh?"

"Except it didn't work," Remus pointed out. Sirius' face dropped and Remus willed himself not to feel guilty.

"I'll clean it up," James offered from his face-flat starfish position on the floor.

"Please don't," Peter sighed. "You'll probably set it on fire."

"Why do you two always think we're going to set something on fire?" James protested indignantly, as though he expected them to take him seriously whilst he was lying face flat on the floor and drunk off his arse. "There are other ways to cause destruction, you know."

"Yes, you've proven that every time you get drunk," Remus said dryly, recalling their last drunken escapade - McGonagall had been traumatised when she had returned to her office, only to find a number of stuffed cats that looked almost identical to her Animagus, and cat food and toys scattered across the table. The catnip had been the icing on the cake though.

"I've got this," Sirius said loudly, swaggering up to the window with a confidence that really should not be displayed by someone who was drunk off their arse and could barely walk in a straight line. Remus suppressed a sigh, knowing that whatever would happen next would not be good.

"Please don't set the window on fi-"

The windowsill burst into flames.

Sirius let out an ear-abusingly high scream and James, who couldn't see the situation from the floor but heard screaming, began screaming too, Peter screamed because he had a habit of screaming at everything anyway and Remus was the only one who thought of using an aguamenti charm.

Within seconds, the fire was out and the windowsill mostly salvaged. Sirius was still screaming and James was, Remus suspected, now asleep.

"Really, Sirius?" Remus said defeatedly. Sirius at least had the decency to look bashful before lunging over to drape himself over Remus' taller frame - he really had no sense of boundaries when drunk.

"I'm sorry, Remmy," he said sorrowfully, stroking his sandy hair. "I'll make it up to you. What do you want? Shall you chocolate? Clean the window properly?" His lips stretched into a smirk that made Remus' cheek redden. "Get on my knees?"

Peter snorted unattractively.

"Just cleaning the window would be nice," Remus said without thinking before looking at the scorched windowsill and grimacing. "I take that back. Buy me all of Honeydukes. Forget the window. Please."

He really shouldn't have been surprised when Sirius gave him a determined nod and announced, "I shall make a potion that cleans windows!"

"Uh, I think Mrs Skower has already beat you to it there, mate," Peter pointed out. James snored loudly.

Sirius did not look deterred as he walked purposefully to the window, almost tripping over his own feet. "And they shall hail it as Mr Black's All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover!" He paused, looking thoughtful for a moment. "That sounds pretty good. Did I actually come up with that myself?"

"I think there may be a few minor copyright issues with Mrs Skower's All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover," Remus said apologetically.

Sirius pouted. "I'll think of a name later." He pulled out the cauldron under James' bed, running it over said male's foot at the same time. James startled awake with a yelp, looking around bewilderedly.

"Bloody hell, Sirius," he groaned when he realised what had awoken him from his slumber. "You could be a little more considerate."

"There's no time for consideration when there are cleaning products to be made," Sirius said gravely. James made a confused noise before collapsing on the floor again, apparently giving up.

"Please don't set the dorm on fire," Peter said weakly as Sirius poured an aguamenti into the cauldron (oh, _now_ he decides that he's capable of using spells without setting something on fire...)

"Why on earth would you say that?" Sirius said in a vaguely hurt voice, as he added _eggshells_ of all things, into the so-called potion, as well as several of the now sticky feathers and scooping up some honey with a finger before wiping it on the inside of the cauldron.

"It is clearly unfound accusation," Remus said dryly. "After all, it's not like you have just set the windowsill on fire, not at all."

Sirius nodded enthusiastically and threw in a ripped piece of parchment.

"And we're done!" he exclaimed finally. "A potion that can clean any mess off any window!"

"Heaven help us," Peter muttered.

"Let's test it out," he mumbled, rubbing his hands together. After a moment of apparently deep consideration, he poured the entire cauldron on the already befouled window.

"Oh for god's sake," Remus sighed, lifting his wand to Vanish the mess. Sirius misinterpreted the movement.

"You're right, Remus!" Sirius crowed triumphantly. "Why didn't I think of it before! We should use a Glamour charm to hide the mess! After all, if you can't see it, then it doesn't exist!"

"Typical atheist," Peter laughed, moving his homework and textbooks away as he leaned in, watching then as though they were a particularly interesting reality tv show.

"That's really not how things work," Remus attempted to reason but it was too late - Sirius had whipped out his wand again and pointed it at the window.

Remus and Peter stared at the result.

"Um, Pads?" Peter began carefully. "Wasn't that supposed to be a glamour charm?"

Sirius nodded proudly.

"Care to explain why the entire window has shattered?" Remus said in a resigned tone, walking over to the window and gingerly stroking the sharp edges.

Sirius frowned for a moment before shrugging. "But the mess has gone?" he tried.

And it was, technically. But now so was the window and, considering that they were smack in the middle of winter, with regular snow and rain, windows were kind of essential. And now they didn't have one. Which was... great. Fucking fantastic, really, and something he should have been prepared for the moment he realised the type of people he was dormed with.

If Remus used the reparo spell on the window, would the pieces fly up from the fields outside and hurt someone? Probably, but they wouldn't know until they tried. Mentally shrugging and hoping that none of them were died of blood loss via glass shard, he flicked his wand and muttered, under his breath, "Reparo."

The pieces flew up and immediately attached themselves back into the original structure on the window without maiming or killing anyone, so Remus counted that one as a win.

"Okay," he said firmly, walking over to wear James was sprawled and poking him with a toe until he returned to the land of the conscious. "Okay. This is it. I'm going to find someone who knows a Sobering charm and the two of you are going to do absolutely _nothing_ until I get one of the older Gryffindors to sober you the fuck up. Stay. Here."

There was a moment of silence, before Sirius started giggling. "Ooh, Remmy _swore_ ," he crooned, eyes sparkling. "I love that dirty mouth on you, baby."

Remus flushed and walked over quickly - but not quickly enough for Peter not to notice the suspicious red tinge to his cheeks and start cackling.

"Ughh," he groaned as he hurried down the stairs. Why was this his life? Why was he babysitting two drunkards, one of which was his crush and _seemed to make it his life goal to flirt with Remus until he felt like he was going to melt?_

His mental tirade was interrupted when he bumped into a strong, hard chest. Remus lost his footing, almost tripping over a satchel bag someone had left at the foot of the dorm stairs in his haste to move back and regain some personal space. A hand grabbed his wrist and an arm circled his waist, stopping Remus from embarrassing himself any further.

"Woah, you okay?" Gideon said, his green eyes watching him worriedly. Remus gave him a sheepish grin.

"Sorry, I wasn't looking," he apologised, his heart beat finally recovering from the almost-fall. Thank god for Gideon's Quidditch reflexes.

"Hey! Let go of him!"

Remus and Gideon both looked up the flight of stairs to find Sirius glowering at the pair of them. Remus sighed - he should have known Sirius would not stay in the dorm room just because he asked him to.

"He's drunk," he explained the bemused Gideon, who dutifully let go of Remus' wrist and waist but was still sending Sirius a confused look as he stumbled down the stairs, clutching the railings. "Do you know how to do a Sobering Charm? I'd try, but I don't want to mess it up and hurt him."

Gideon shot him a knowing grin. "Yeah, yeah, I'll get your boyfriend all fixed up, don't worry."

" _Boyfriend_?" Remus squawked, but any protests that he could have made were interrupted by Sirius, who had finally reached the bottom of the stairs and was shaking a finger in Gideon's face.

"Stay away from my boyfriend if you know what's good for you!" Sirius snarled, though the effect was slightly ruined by the hiccups that followed. Gideon smirked over his shoulder at Remus, who wondered vaguely if he was going to faint, before turning to face Sirius again and nodding solemnly.

"Sure, I'll keep my hands off your boyfriend," he agreed patiently before whipping his wand out and quickly muttering a spell before Sirius could protest.

"Not my boyfriend," Remus protested weakly. Sirius blinked, and groaned suddenly.

"Ugh, my head hurts," he muttered, rubbing his temples gingerly. "What happened?"

Remus waited patiently for the memories to rush back, and it was evident when it had, because he sent both Gideon and Remus sheepish looks.

"Sorry?" he said finally.

Remus smiled. "It's alright. Maybe it's time that you got started on your homework though?"

"Ugghhh, way to ruin everything, Remmy," Sirius grumbled immediately, running his hands through his hair to ruffle it further, making it even messier than before and simultaneously making his Quidditch muscles flex visibly through the white school shirt - it looked up. Unfairly good. Like, so good that Remus had to make a conscious effort not to drool.

"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity," Gideon said wisely, shaking his head at the two of them. Remus made a confused noise.

"Uh, what?"

Gideon rolled his eyes so hard that Remus wondered vaguely if that hurt. "You two are the most oblivious idiots I've ever had the misfortune of meeting. Like, seriously. I've never met two people so infatuated with one another and yet so oblivious to the other's infatuation."

Remus' cheeks darkened and he glanced away, embarrassed. Had he been that obvious? Dammit. He wasn't surprised that Sirius hadn't noticed - the idiot rarely noticed that it was raining until an hour into Quidditch practice - but to know that an older Gryffindor had noticed with obsession was, frankly, humiliating.

Wait, 'one another'?

"What do you mean, 'infatuation'? Me and Moony are just friends," Sirius laughed easily, brushing it off like it was nothing, and it might be nothing for him, but it wasn't nothing to Remus and _wow_ , that hurt so much more than he expected it to.

"And that's why you check out his arse every time he turns around, right?" Gideon snorted, ruffling Sirius' hair. Sirius opened his mouth indignantly before shutting it again. A voice - Fabian's - called Gideon's name and the red-head nodded to both of them, turning away to walk over to the armchair where his brother was waiting, calling over his shoulder at the two boys: "I expect you two to talk about this maturely!"

Dead silence. Remus wondered about the chances of being swallowed up by the ground. Despite it being a magical school, still unlikely. Dammit.

"Uh, well, I guess we should go back up?" Sirius offered, avoiding Remus' eye. Remus opened his mouth to agree before changing his mind. He wasn't going to let this opportunity slip and he wanted to know if what Gideon had said was true, and so, he took a deep breath, and shook his head.

"I think we should talk," he said firmly, his voice steadier than he felt.

Sirius' face dropped.

"Look, if this is about the looking-at-your-arse thing," he began defensively. "Then I'm sorry, okay? I'll stop, I promise. It's just that we're pretty close and I don't want this to get in between our friendship-"

"What's 'this'?" Remus interrupted, not daring to hope.

Sirius looked confused. "Um, this stupid crush that I thought you were referring to?"

Another silence, this one more tense than the last. When Sirius showed no sign of mockery, Remus' entire body sagged in relief and he giggled.

"Oh my god, are you joking? Are you actually joking? You have a crush on _me,_ of all people?"

"Why can't I have a crush on you?" Sirius said indignantly, though the tension in his shoulders had eased, though it hadn't completely disappeared. "Don't put yourself down, Remmy boy."

Remus just laughed harder, tears appearing in the corners of his eyes as he grabbed the collar of Sirius' overly-wrinkled shirt and pulled him closer to kiss him.

Sirius froze for a moment, standing so still that Remus wondered if he had made a mistake, before encircling his arms around Remus' waist and pulling him flush against his solid body. The kiss deepened and even if Remus had been the one to initiate, he could barely keep up, with Sirius eagerly making up for what seemed like lost time and all Remus could think was - "I should have done this _ages_ ago."

A loud cheer behind them made the two boys finally pull away to look at the entrance of the common room, where Gideon and Fabian were wearing identical smirks. Remus' blushed at being caught and turned to look at Sirius to see how he was coping with this new situation and- oh.

His hair was a mess from where Remus had ran his hands through it, and his shirt showed clear signs of being clutched. His cheeks were flushed pink, his lips were a bruised-red that only served to make Remus want to ravish them more and his pupils were blown up until the grey iris was a thin line across the perimeter.

"I guess we should go back up?" Sirius repeated, but now his voice was deeper, huskier and promised something that Remus could not say no to.

Remus grinned. "Sure."


End file.
